Life and Ministry After Sexual Sin

Grace and mercy doesn't mean there are no consequences for our bad choices/decisions. Grace and mercy means that the blood of Jesus covers the full penalty for sin which is death and eternal separation from God but thank the Lord that in grace and mercy there is forgiveness, redemption, love, salvation, and peace. Grace and mercy covers us for what we really should have gotten but it doesn't mean that there our sins are void of any consequences. For example, we take a college course and decide not to take it as seriously or study for it like we should, well grace will allow us to pass the course barely but that doesn't mean we avoid the consequence of not learning the information we needed for the next course or that we don't have the proper knowledge for the GRE because we failed to see the seriousness right then. Often times we flirt with sin not knowing it can cost us everything and I had to learn this the hard way. 

Earlier this year I was on the fast track, it was me and Jesus and I desired all of Him. I was doing ministry and serving and loving the growth that He was giving me. Well shortly after the beginning of the year, I reconnected with this guy who I thought God was telling me to reconnect with and setting old ties. Long story short I had gotten confirmation that he was my husband and he pursued courtship. In the beginning we were loving God together but because we thought we were strong enough, we left safety boundaries/accountability. We had kissed and had sex.

I was devastated.

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.'For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. "

     ~ (James‬ ‭1‬:‭13-15‬ NIV)

 I knew that it was wrong and that there were vows I had made not only before God but to my Father here on earth and sadly it didn't stop me from falling again. I knew I was in trouble because slowly conviction wasn't as loud. Then I pumped the breaks! No! I have to walk in holiness and then I began to hide. Like Eve in the garden I was hiding from my friends and mentors because I told no one. I was embarrassed; I was afraid to go to anyone about it. I had constantly talked about purity but I found myself in the most compromising position. It felt right but I KNEW it was wrong. I began to pray, Lord I'm sorry. I repent, help me to live holy. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. 

I heard someone say once that if we knew the road our sins would take us, we wouldn't even flirt with the idea of going down that road. If I knew what I knew now, I would not have even went there but I was disobedient. 

I was angry. I had the nerve to be angry with God that I was pregnant. 

"Lord I repented!" "I vowed to stay pure again" "I promised I wouldn't do it again!" "Why me?" 

These were all things I said out loud or thought but the only person I could blame was myself. I couldn't even blame my boyfriend because though he was suppose to hold me accountable, we both made our own decision. It took two willing parties to make baby LJ and I was very willing but that's what we get for trusting our hearts and not following/chasing/seeking after righteousness. But I was so angry at God, but I was so mad because before He had stopped me in my tracks if I was about to fall. I took that grace and mercy for granted. I wanted to give up because I thought my life was over. No one was suppose to know I messed up until after we were married. No one was suppose to know that I couldn't wait and keep myself until it was right before God. I felt exposed and it did not feel good. 

You might be thinking that oh the pregnancy was my punishment. No, the pregnancy was actually a blessing because 1. I didn't think I would be able to have children 2. I have come to know God in such a different way 3. I have the opportunity to bring life into this world that some so desperately want but are not able. So I call my child BLESSED! 

"Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created." ~ (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭16-18‬ NIV)

Needless to say, I withdrew from EVERYTHING. Ministry, church, bible study, hanging out with friends, school, and eventually work. I wanted to be alone because I wanted to run and I hide. I wanted to created a plan to birth my baby and get rid of her; I wanted all of this to go away without me having to explain or tell anyone anything but I couldn't. I wasn't that type of person but I knew I couldn't go on in ministry and being in to forefront without taking time away to get right with God and let Him build me up again. Am I still a leader? Yes! Does God still have a plan for me? Yes! Did that plan change? No! I will still be and do all He desires me to be and do, but this is a detour and I HAD to take a good sit down. I couldn't minister about purity until my heart and life were right with God. I couldn't minister about walking in His ways until I began to walk in His ways again. I couldn't share about His love and forgiveness until I truly felt loved and forgiven. As leaders we must not be prideful when we mess up, we must be humble and step down until God raises us up again. This blog is not in an attempt to justify what was done in the dark, but it is indeed a plea to those heading down that road to stop! 

The consequences of my sin was this, my family was almost ripped apart, my relationship turned to mush, I began to battle depression and suicide again, I lost authority with some people about speaking into their lives, I hurt and disappointed so many people, I lost confidence and joy, and I went through financial difficulties that I didn't have to go through. 

Ultimately, I have I grown from this. Yes God used it for His glory. Yes God has given me an awesome testimony, but I beg of you, that sin that you're flirting with, that sin you're about to walk into. DON'T! Turn back to righteous because that sin is not just a little mistake. It can snowball at any minute. I'm not saying there is no room for mistakes but beloved, if you can avoid it, why even go towards? 

Needless to say, my time away from ministry was needed. I found God again. Yes there is life in ministry after sexual sin. No I didn't get my "position" in ministry back after taking time off. I'm still taking time away from leading and just pouring in my sisters with my testimony and serving where I'm needed in the background and that's fine with me. I don't see a need for me to be back where I was, that's prideful. I see the need to be redeemed and risen up by God when it's time.

If you would have asked me earlier this year if I would be where I am now, I would have looked at you like you were crazy and called you the devil but the good thing about Jesus is that His blood washes away all sin. Though we are now cleansed through His blood it doesn't mean consequences just go away, we just don't get the punishment we deserve.

I'm not perfect and I haven't gotten it all together but God has done and is doing such a work in me that nothing can stop me. New focus, new vision, greater idea of my purpose and that's to reach young women and girls. God can turn anything around and I'm a witness to that. 

Peace. Love. Blessings.

Amber J.

Habitual Hearers

Its safe to say that in the South most people go to church on Sunday. Thousands of people pile into cars, vans, motorcycles, buses, whatever gets you their to travel to this place called church. Yet only part of those people will actually hear and understand what the leader, teacher, pastor, preacher is saying and then a smaller percentage of those people will leave this church and go do what the word has called them to do. The sad part is that although thousands attend church services and even listen online, there is a small percentage that actually look like the church that is so vividly described in the new testament.

I wonder how Jesus feels.

He instructed His disciples to make disciples who would make more disciples but some how in between then and now the disciple making has been watered down and many people think that its just enough to attend church service when the doors are open and be involved in all these "Christian" things but many never take the time to take up their cross and follow Christ which requires for them to die to self and be uncomfortable.

Die to self. Uncomfortable.

Words that I didn't even get a chance to hear until I went to college, but I grew up in church. I was a "church girl" but I had never heard the true gospel that explained that I would have to forsake all. I knew the 10 commandments and I knew about Jesus but I didn't really understand why I needed Christ. Yes I knew I needed Him to go to Heaven but why did I need Him on this Earth? I knew to pray to Him when I needed help so I prayed to a person that I had only heard about and read about, but I had yet to see, experience, and know who Christ was and why God sent Him.

So I became a habitual hearer.

A habitual hearer is one who hears the word of God continuously but never acts out or pursues to do what they hear. They are ones who have created a habit of hearing the truth of the word  of God but it does not take root in their heart because they refuse to live it out or they think its to hard to live it our or they think I don't need to live it out and say its not necessary to do all that, but their wrong. Christ meant exactly what He said.

Men have died proclaiming the name of Christ.

Yes! Many have died, but we use the word to slander others and to make it fit what we want. We get into debates and verbal wars about theology while the church continues to produce more and more disciplines who know nothing about counting the cost to be a man or woman of God. They are nothing but carbon copies who sing empty praises to a God who just wants them to surrender all the Him and worship Him whole heartedly but they can't because they believe they know Him but they are so far away from Him.Out of their mouths they speak praises and curses but clearly the Bible says that we cannot do that. They are so focused on appearing to be godly but their hearts scream that they are an enemy of God.

So we continue to produce those who will hear and never get to see the fruit of a life that glorifies God. It is not enough to go to church on Sunday. It is not enough to sing praises to His name. It is not enough to do good deeds because our hearts have the wrong motives and clearly works cannot get us into Heaven. What we must do is hear the word and allow it to penetrate our very souls and turn us to focus on Christ. We must know we are a mess without Him and that no good thing can come from us but it is the spirit of the Holy Ghost within us. Open up your heart and let Him change you. If you have no desire to change tell  Him that and that you know this is not the heart you should have.

Let Him work on you.

Let us not be hearers of the word but let us be the church wherever we are. Not just in Christian settings. Let us be the light to a world that is being chocked and suffocated with darkness.

 But be doers of the Word [obey the message], and not merely listeners to it, betraying yourselves [into deception by reasoning contrary to the Truth].

 For if anyone only listens to the Word without obeying it and being a doer of it, he is like a man who looks carefully at his [own] natural face in a mirror;

For he thoughtfully observes himself, and then goes off and promptly forgets what he was like.

But he who looks carefully into the faultless law, the [law] of liberty, and is faithful to it and perseveres in looking into it, being not a heedless listener who forgets but an active doer [who obeys], he shall be blessed in his doing (his life of obedience).

James 1:22-25 (Amplified)

Peace, Love, and Blessings!