Life and Ministry After Sexual Sin

Grace and mercy doesn't mean there are no consequences for our bad choices/decisions. Grace and mercy means that the blood of Jesus covers the full penalty for sin which is death and eternal separation from God but thank the Lord that in grace and mercy there is forgiveness, redemption, love, salvation, and peace. Grace and mercy covers us for what we really should have gotten but it doesn't mean that there our sins are void of any consequences. For example, we take a college course and decide not to take it as seriously or study for it like we should, well grace will allow us to pass the course barely but that doesn't mean we avoid the consequence of not learning the information we needed for the next course or that we don't have the proper knowledge for the GRE because we failed to see the seriousness right then. Often times we flirt with sin not knowing it can cost us everything and I had to learn this the hard way. 

Earlier this year I was on the fast track, it was me and Jesus and I desired all of Him. I was doing ministry and serving and loving the growth that He was giving me. Well shortly after the beginning of the year, I reconnected with this guy who I thought God was telling me to reconnect with and setting old ties. Long story short I had gotten confirmation that he was my husband and he pursued courtship. In the beginning we were loving God together but because we thought we were strong enough, we left safety boundaries/accountability. We had kissed and had sex.

I was devastated.

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.'For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. "

     ~ (James‬ ‭1‬:‭13-15‬ NIV)

 I knew that it was wrong and that there were vows I had made not only before God but to my Father here on earth and sadly it didn't stop me from falling again. I knew I was in trouble because slowly conviction wasn't as loud. Then I pumped the breaks! No! I have to walk in holiness and then I began to hide. Like Eve in the garden I was hiding from my friends and mentors because I told no one. I was embarrassed; I was afraid to go to anyone about it. I had constantly talked about purity but I found myself in the most compromising position. It felt right but I KNEW it was wrong. I began to pray, Lord I'm sorry. I repent, help me to live holy. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. 

I heard someone say once that if we knew the road our sins would take us, we wouldn't even flirt with the idea of going down that road. If I knew what I knew now, I would not have even went there but I was disobedient. 

I was angry. I had the nerve to be angry with God that I was pregnant. 

"Lord I repented!" "I vowed to stay pure again" "I promised I wouldn't do it again!" "Why me?" 

These were all things I said out loud or thought but the only person I could blame was myself. I couldn't even blame my boyfriend because though he was suppose to hold me accountable, we both made our own decision. It took two willing parties to make baby LJ and I was very willing but that's what we get for trusting our hearts and not following/chasing/seeking after righteousness. But I was so angry at God, but I was so mad because before He had stopped me in my tracks if I was about to fall. I took that grace and mercy for granted. I wanted to give up because I thought my life was over. No one was suppose to know I messed up until after we were married. No one was suppose to know that I couldn't wait and keep myself until it was right before God. I felt exposed and it did not feel good. 

You might be thinking that oh the pregnancy was my punishment. No, the pregnancy was actually a blessing because 1. I didn't think I would be able to have children 2. I have come to know God in such a different way 3. I have the opportunity to bring life into this world that some so desperately want but are not able. So I call my child BLESSED! 

"Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created." ~ (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭16-18‬ NIV)

Needless to say, I withdrew from EVERYTHING. Ministry, church, bible study, hanging out with friends, school, and eventually work. I wanted to be alone because I wanted to run and I hide. I wanted to created a plan to birth my baby and get rid of her; I wanted all of this to go away without me having to explain or tell anyone anything but I couldn't. I wasn't that type of person but I knew I couldn't go on in ministry and being in to forefront without taking time away to get right with God and let Him build me up again. Am I still a leader? Yes! Does God still have a plan for me? Yes! Did that plan change? No! I will still be and do all He desires me to be and do, but this is a detour and I HAD to take a good sit down. I couldn't minister about purity until my heart and life were right with God. I couldn't minister about walking in His ways until I began to walk in His ways again. I couldn't share about His love and forgiveness until I truly felt loved and forgiven. As leaders we must not be prideful when we mess up, we must be humble and step down until God raises us up again. This blog is not in an attempt to justify what was done in the dark, but it is indeed a plea to those heading down that road to stop! 

The consequences of my sin was this, my family was almost ripped apart, my relationship turned to mush, I began to battle depression and suicide again, I lost authority with some people about speaking into their lives, I hurt and disappointed so many people, I lost confidence and joy, and I went through financial difficulties that I didn't have to go through. 

Ultimately, I have I grown from this. Yes God used it for His glory. Yes God has given me an awesome testimony, but I beg of you, that sin that you're flirting with, that sin you're about to walk into. DON'T! Turn back to righteous because that sin is not just a little mistake. It can snowball at any minute. I'm not saying there is no room for mistakes but beloved, if you can avoid it, why even go towards? 

Needless to say, my time away from ministry was needed. I found God again. Yes there is life in ministry after sexual sin. No I didn't get my "position" in ministry back after taking time off. I'm still taking time away from leading and just pouring in my sisters with my testimony and serving where I'm needed in the background and that's fine with me. I don't see a need for me to be back where I was, that's prideful. I see the need to be redeemed and risen up by God when it's time.

If you would have asked me earlier this year if I would be where I am now, I would have looked at you like you were crazy and called you the devil but the good thing about Jesus is that His blood washes away all sin. Though we are now cleansed through His blood it doesn't mean consequences just go away, we just don't get the punishment we deserve.

I'm not perfect and I haven't gotten it all together but God has done and is doing such a work in me that nothing can stop me. New focus, new vision, greater idea of my purpose and that's to reach young women and girls. God can turn anything around and I'm a witness to that. 

Peace. Love. Blessings.

Amber J.